Their life (is not yours to live.)

It was about a couple of months ago, when my firm was supposed to develop a module for a multinational company. The brief was clear enough to begin

with but we both were expecting that the requirements may vary to some

extent as we proceed since we were developing the module from the

scratch.

When I began the work I realised that in order to meet

the deadline without compromising integrity and the efficiency of the

module, I have to engage a few more people and that’s where the story

began.

When I was awarded with the project, my company was fairly

new. I did not have enough funds nor enough projects to maintain

full-time employees. In those days I used to rely on project based

employee engagement model. For this project I decided to engage a friend

of mine I knew could give fair justice to the project as I saw both the

potential and spark within him.

I gave him a brief idea about the

project and went to his place for further negotiations. I tabled him an

offer which was fair enough and he agreed without any negotiations. We

begin the work on a positive note and I was satisfied with the pace we

were progressing with in the first week.

As we began to develop

the module, project became a little complex, algorithms a little tricky

and design of the database- challenging than we had expected. As the

ride-once smooth, became bumpy one, I could sense the excitement of the

journey was reducing and willingness to travel changing turning into

scepticism towards reaching the destination.

At one moment my

friend came to my house and said that he cannot continue his work as it

was beyond him and also that he was not able to have any free time

outside the work. It was not that I had not anticipated a conversation

wherein he would complain about the complexity of the work (in spite of

the fact that I had clear conversation about the same when we began) the

fact that he simply gave up and backed off disappointed me. I knew that

persuading him was of no consequences as he had lost the battle well

within his mind, but even then given his potential I felt that I failed

to create an environment which will help him realise his potential.

Now

when I look back at the entire incident as it happened, I find that it

was ‘my’ intention to help him reach his full potential and not ‘his’

motivation. There is no point buying costly shoes when the runner

himself or herself does not want to run and I believe that it is one of

the most important lesson for a person who has an opportunity to lead a

team.

It does not matter how desperately we want someone to reach

one’s full potential, unless and until one is not motivated within

oneself, almost all of the efforts are of very little consequence. Even

though we see the tremendous potential that they have in them and that

it is not being utilized to the extent it should be, we just cannot live

their life for them nor we can make them live life in a way we think

would benefit them. Whether that someone is our child, our employee, our

friend, our spouse- it does not make any sense to make them live

according to our version of what could be best for them. Like we all

can, they can think themselves for them and that is where one the most

important question arises- what are then we to do as a leader, as a

director, as an employee, as a spouse, as a parent?

In my personal

opinion, first thing would be to establish communication wherein they

can share their own vision and version of what they think is best for

them. In case where we are the employer, we always have the opportunity

to let them go and build their own world if the visions we both share

are not in accord, but in personal relationships, it becomes essential

for us to realise that it is not only our responsibility to help them

become what they think is the best version of themselves, but also it is

equally important to ensure that we do not stand in the very process

they are going through.

Now it is obvious and thus goes without

saying that in personal relationships conflicts are bound to be there;

but then again with sound communication and free-exchange conflicts are

easier to resolve.

-Sourabh Raghavendra.